I Cried
May 14th, 2001 Comments(0)
I cried. Yesterday's bout of trivial conversation turned into a poignant tête-à-tête that ended with me in tears and him being exasperated with himself.
We both knew that things were getting awkward and out of hand. It was almost as if he could read my mind because when I was pouring my soul into my diary yesterday, he messaged me.
Right now, we both know how each other feel. And I wasn't sobbing for my shattered heart anymore. I was weeping for the uncertainty of our friendship. My face was tear-streaked, my heart a void empty pit. I needed a hug. But there was no one there.
I seem to be losing more friends than I'm gaining.
That chat was an attempt to mend our broken friendship. And I don't know if we've actually succeeded but we both agreed that this friendship meant too much to us for us to lose.
It was difficult and hesitant. But we got our point across. We want this silence and this incertitude to end. Forever. I guess it was our fault, entirely, that situations got so awkward. I suppose this relationship is more than just a close friendship.
He confided that he was avoiding me because he was afraid of me, something I can't fathom and he can't put into words. He apologised. For things that don't really matter anymore. But at least I know he cared.
I lied.
I couldn't not lie. I didn't want to. But I risk losing him as a proper friend for eternity if I hadn't. And I guess by being untruthful, I am hurting no one but myself. But do I really want to bruise myself even more by being honest and having him as no more than a Net friend forever more?
I didn't think so. That's why I lied. I just can't bear to let go. I'm afraid of losing.
I'm afraid of losing him.